Audietur Et Altera Pars

No one adjusts to sudden changes effortlessly (perhaps I'm wrong -- Oh, right. The Buddha(s) -- but anyway). I admit to being someone who has always had difficulty with change. Not so much with “good” changes as much as changes that involve more than 25 of my dearest friends suddenly missing from campus (Yes, I love LOTS of people, very, very much). This a “good” change – for the most part. Most of these incredible people have graduated and have begun life in the “real world.” Some have been forced to leave for various personal and financial reasons. I still have yet to freak out over Patrick O. not being here anymore… I will. And I do know that many of these people will visit. My point is that change is difficult to deal with, and I will deal with in stride (theoretically). It’s just a sudden, glass shadderinly, startling feeling to realize that I will not get my daily dose of love-sunshine from Saffi, or get that sense of giggly-joy when I see Emmy in the Campus Center. Nor will I get distracted from homework by Patrick cuddles, Dr. Who with Emmy, “fire and water bending” with Misa and Apple, silliness and snuggles with Poshi, silly animal videos with Maggie, soul-nurturing conversations with Phil, sunshine with Rebeka, psychology talk with Wren, etc. etc.

I’m not trying to whine and carry on here – I can’t even to begin to express my gratefulness for having had these people in life. They’re not “gone,” just spread out across the planet. I just miss them. Plain and simple.

Beyond you
There is only
Substitution

Through all of the "before you"s
I wonder
If I am a
Substitution



Not really a poem -- just  a thought while sitting in Bedard's awaiting Freder.




Looking through my Special Stuff Suitcase, I found all of my L&T work including the poem we were asked to write.
I kinda like it, and may post it here for nostalgia's sake.

So enmeshed are we
Threads shared
Threads the same
Where one begins
And another ends
To tell is an impossibility

Can I even begin to un-weave myself from you? I'm afraid that without you, I don't know me anymore.

It hasn't even been that long, though. I feel that I could legitimately feel this way after, say, 50 years... Maybe less.

It's so hard to tell if I'm still here because I'm simply afraid of the "without you..." feeling.

The Beetles were adorable, but oh so wrong.
I wish they had been right.

Maybe everything will feel better after finals, when we'll finally see each other.

-Love.

... Alright, so I have not posted anything in a bit. And I'm not about to post anything that could be considered  even remotely intelligent by the silliest of 14 year old boys (who have recently ingested large quantities of sugar).

Ehem:
I was pondering the Large Hadron Collider (as I often do ponder colliders and Higgs Bosons. Seriously.), and in my mind I accidentally referred to it as the
“Large Hardon Collider”.

Oh yes. I need both sleep, and maybe to not be a 14 year old boy...
I do so love theoretical particle physics...

Please love me anyway. :P

Love!

There were a thousand things I was going to write about.
Losing Ephram, the tornado, car thieves, the party, Bard, my relationship...
This would eliminate the need to tell the same stories again and again... Yet, by telling these stories you effectively remove them from yourself. Or, you remove whatever emotional pollutant was placed there by the story...

Anyway, I’ll get to these at some point... This is really just me avoiding homework and awaiting a phone call... and rambling.

... I’m now just returning to this finish this post which was started at 4:30pm.
I was caught up stretching and practicing water bending moves with Misa (see Avatar season 1, episode 8, I think – the one with the scroll).

One of the reasons that I avoid telling these stories is what I wrote above. You can sometimes purge yourself of the trauma by telling the story... I cling to my trauma. I dig my nails in, wrap myself around it, and hang on for dear life. I don’t let go of the trauma... I don’t know exactly why... I prefer to psychoanalyze others (more of a psych. major joke than truth). My trauma belongs to me. It’s mine... I need to learn to relinquish ownership of it. I need to want to first of course.

I’ll get to the tornado story at some point... I’ll tell you the ending ahead of time: Everyone was (and is) completely and totally fine. Except for the ram feeder, which had been bitch-slapped by the swirling vortex of death. It, too, was eventually fine.

Love.


P.s. ... Still can't find a theme I like!
Andreaaa. I'll pester for help at some point.

It doesn't take a large change to upset my fragile sense of balance.

I didn't walk down Kappa Path to Village K, I didn't go to my "usual" classes, I no longer share a room.
Even these minute changes had me somewhat off-kilter.

It’s the social changes that cause me to feel, emotionally, like I’m on a water bed.
Missing classmates, missing friends, new relationships, changing dynamics.

I fear change because, in my irrational, darker places, and due to life events, I believe loss and change to be interchangeable.
I Know that this is not, in reality, the case... But it can feel like it is

I’ll adjust, as usual, with a little time...

There have been a lot of changes this past summer, a lot of loss, and a lot of very wonderful new things.
Maybe I’ll even write about them later. :)

Love.

    So, I lied about not having friends here – Well, not so much lied as became incredibly chemically imbalanced and began taking to heart the things that my sometimes self-abusive mind was telling me...

Thanks to all of you (And a lot of thanks to Laura’s brothers in a way...) For being completely there for me when I needed you.
.
.

Anyone surprised that my best friend here is a guy or that my ‘crew’ are mostly guys...
No.
.
.
Of all of my classes, I completely heart my second dance class. I spent the entire class joyfully gigging with everyone as we slithered, and crawled, twirled, and rolled across the floor.
.
.
.
.
.
My journal desperately needs a facelift... Let me know if any of you are willing to help with revamping this journal...

I’m going to admit this now: I’m not okay – But I’m honestly beginning to think that I will be. 
Just a day or two ago I was soaring. I was so explosively giddy to be here that I thought I’d need to be scraped off the walls.
.
.
Both Dar and Dad visited over the weekend, which was awesome. Dad took Dar, my closest friend here, DeShaun, and I out for breakfast. The whole time I just wanted to cling to Dad like a little girl and not let him leave. When Dad and Dar left, I felt lost and left-behind somehow. I do feel left-behind, I guess, even though I’m the one who left... I feel stuck between two worlds. Not quite woven into this community yet (more so now), and not “needed” at home anymore. I do know that it’ll get easier. I know that I have a place at home. I look forward to this place and these people being my “home” too... Then that’ll make leaving either place hard... But I’ll focus on the here and now.    
.
.

I’m now disfigured due to my own stubbornness. Not that anyone needs details, but I got a few bug bites on The Cape, as is to be expected. So, I get to college with my ankle having swelled to the point that I can’t find the normally protruding bone there. I figure I’ll just heal, because I’m a stubborn pain in the ass... I do all this while lecturing everyone around me to have every little pain and scrape checked out. My leg gets so bad that I know I’m not going to be okay if I don’t get it checked out. I have a brand new, extremely drug resistant form of staph (“MRSA”). My leg will never be the same, and I’m the only one to blame. I’m completely disappointed in myself for the fact that if I wasn’t the World’s Biggest Hypocrite Ever, I wouldn’t be dealing with this now... How much you wanna bet I still won’t change? I’m so fucking irresponsible...
.
.

But seriously, everyone does need to be careful and get even the smallest infection checked out. This new bacterial infection is becoming an epidemic, or a pandemic at least. So, here I go again: Y’all need to get wounds that seem even a little off checked out. If you don’t catch an MRSA infection in time, you will lose your limb, and you’re very likely to die. I know I sound melodramatic, but when you see my leg, you’ll run to get everything looked at...
.
.
.
I am going to be okay. I just gave my dorm massages. And made a friend for life with a scalp massage.
.
I still need all of you, just so you know. I still love all of you like crazy. I always will. I honestly need your love and support even more right while I’m still transitioning/freaking out.
.
.


I love you all. Please don’t ever forget or doubt that. My cell phone is literally always on.
.
‘Night.

Hey y'all. So here's a heads up:
I'm planning on having a relatively large get
together here on the farm (in Peru MA that is). It's starts on Friday July 28th and ends at some point the following day. We always have so much going on around the farm that it would be really difficult to do a ton of cooking for the party, so I was hoping that each of you could bring a bag of chips or some soda. If you can't bring a food item, I won't love you too much less. I would also have to request that anyone staying over bring a tent or be willing and prepared to sleep in the hayloft of our barn (Which could be really awesome actually). I hope this gives everyone enough time's notice, and I really hope to see you all there. Call or email me if you have any questions at all: (413) 655 - 2323
Hope to see you all there!
Or I'll cry...
Well, not really... But... Oh, just be there.

But I want to build sand-castles made of dreams of our future together
I don’t care that the tide may wash it away one day
I only wish that you would build with me
But you’re too afraid of the tide
My Love, eventually the tide will come in
But until then... Won’t you just help me?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Note: This is not really a poem, and it's not meant to be "good."

So I’ve been “nudged” by Charlie to update. That’s a cute feature, “nudge.”


So why haven’t I updated in... 20-ish weeks? No, Alex, I’m not lazy (That’s you ^_^.) --Survey says: Because I suck at life... Well, that depends on how you define living life. By my standards I’m doing rather well. I’m just way too popular to find any time to be in front of a computer ^_^ Although I really am never home due to my love for all of you... I may post another update some time about everything else that’s been keeping me away from the computer.

But I do have time to write a bit about something I’ve realized about myself: I have an “image.” I suppose we all do really... So, what does this mean exactly? It means that I appear to be a certain “type” of person. A certain set of assumptions come along with an image. People assume many things about you according to your image, such as your likes and dislikes, beliefs and personal values... And this bothers me, immensely.


It may sound like I’m making a big deal out of nothing.... And maybe I am, to you. I was just conceited enough to think that I was above or beyond having an image... That people saw me for me. And it’s friends I’ve had for ages that see me as a “innocent.” I’ve been called this three or four friends recently. Now, I have no real problem being thought of as innocent, it’s really cute actually, isn’t it. My problem is that fiends that have known me for ages are assuming things about me. Little things, really. Little things, like what I must listen to in the way of music, which movies I would or would not enjoy, who I must be as a sexual person...


It occurred to me that this works for my sexuality though... I guess.
I just hate assumptions. Especially those made by people who claim to know me well.
I know that this is life, and people have to create assumptions and categories to make sense of things... It’s really hilarious to me that the last person to tell me that I seemed “Innocent” and “motherly” was Steph... And the circumstances in which she decided to inform me of how she saw me... Really, really funny. Jake and I must have had the most priceless expressions... I love my friends...


Can you tell that I like to over-use quotation marks...

I know it’s been a million and half years, and several Ice Ages since I’ve posted prior to my most recent post... As you might have gathered from this, it’s been pretty hectic here. We’re now ‘officially’ Ox ‘N Yoke Farm Reserve and Animal Sanctuary. In a few weeks we’ll be legally recognized as such. So, between caring for our three steers, two oxen, five roosters, two dogs, and four pot bellied pigs, setting up a garden (That the moo cows happily ate...), and my job at Hancock Shaker Village, it’s been hard to find time to do pretty much anything else... Even my rock-solid reasons for severely delayed updates sound like weak excuses... Sorry. As you can see, I’m workin’ on it.

One of the reasons for my lack of updating motivation is the fact that my journal doesn’t look the way I’d like it to. If anyone knows how to upload backgrounds and fiddle with settings without causing damage, please let me know. LiveJournal really is a great idea. It’s a great way to keep in touch with far away friends and a cheap form of therapy... But it can also be used as a tool of pettiness, which I hope to avoid doing...

Sorry that some of my older entries are so eclectic and... Strange... Well, we’ll just see what happens with this journal, won't we...

[EDIT]
Make that six roosters...

Your New Car: A Symbol of Adulthood




I love my car, I do... “Freddy” he’s great. Safest thing on four wheels. Two front air bags, four side impact, four curtain air bags, a built-in roll-cage, rubberized bumpers, radial tires... He’s even got Winter Mode driving... A 2001, silver Volvo sedan... No one could ask for a better first car, or a better car in general. I feel really good about having paid for half of him. He’s so sturdy that Ben can pass him down to Rachael one day... — Unless I keep him.

So, why don’t I sound just So enthused? I fear change. Fear it. Like nothing else. Almost like a phobia. I did, however, learn from A.G.T., change is good and correct. It’s the Big life changes that make we want to hide. Seeing many of my oldest friends go to far off lands for college, Benny becoming a junior, Rachael becoming a highschool freshman, and my own graduation. All of these big changes at once were a little much for me. I do see then as good, just a little frightening as well. Then I got a car to drive to my first “real” job.

Signing my name on all the legal documents felt like signing my childhood away. I was thrilled to get this car, don’t think I’m being ungrateful. I am well aware that no one has to “grow up.” being an adult doesn’t mean anything other than responsibility, which doesn’t scare me at all. It’s just seeing my car in our drive way was a symbol of massive change, that nothing will ever be the same. This scares me. I’ve now come to accept this and see it all as wonderful. And I’m allowed to be afraid every once in a while...

Ya gotta love professional therapists.

"...Yeah, I had this awful anxiety attack thing for like three days..."

"Hm. Well that's not healthy."

Oh?... Cause, I thought it --


Also, Dar, I'm so planning on filling out your survey... And *Teehee*, Birthday-present-ing you later.




And, fiddling with the appearance of this journal...

ThatThereFlynn: If you want to know, you're one of the stronger reasons I have not to go.



You can't just... say things like this...

That’s, um, not legal... In this state...

School-wide memes can be so delicious. Especially when one in completely infatuated with one's school... I still hold that I will be one of the sadly few to have enjoyed highschool. The entire experience, as with most, is what you make of it. I’m just overwhelmingly lucky enough to be exposed to vibrant, creative, and overall, very loving (and huggy/cuddly!) people... So “Brams.” Leibenger was in the chorus room being himself. He picked up sheet music and read Brahms as “Brams” (a as in anticipation) Yeah, you had to be there. But now, everywhere around the school, and no one knows exactly why, “Brams, Dude! That was mine,” “Brams, man, see you later,” “... Brams, it’s been one o’ those days,” “Brams! I forgot my book...,” “Oh um, the – brams! You know!,” “Brams!! I got a 90 in psych!” That’s PHS. And that’s me counting some of my blessings...

After school Binks and I went to Misty, couldn’t decide what to order. Binks has a fear of threes. A three-friend group (Not clique... Don't make me explain, please.) frightens her. We discussed the benefits of The TriForce, of our TriForce. We discussed love of course. Then, some how, I ended up pretty much giving her the “Birds and Bees, Bigger Isn’t Actually Better, It Just Hurts More” talk. I still can't stop laughing. The conservation was full of blushing and plenty of giggling. It wasn’t awkward, it was just so... cute. She's so... What, innocent, clean. She has a chance to learn from our stupid mistakes. It did feel like giving “The Talk.” I totally remember how it came up now...


There's always so much, and a bleak lack of words. There really does need to be "Scratch and Feel" the empaths' answer to scratch and sniff... I'm sorry ::laughs::, it's just this week. I am so sorry for being particularly weird these past weeks. This is me not handling anything, refusing to handle anything. Ok! Vacation's ahead, there are future-determining phone calls to be made, and relationships to be altered, strengthened, or ended ( I hope not...). The best to all of you. I love you. I will try harder.

"Don't get mad..."

"I'm sorry ok! I had to..."

"I've apologized... I can't do anymore... "


How can I not get mad... No, you did not have to... Yes. Yes you can. You can care... All of you can stop hurting yourselves. All of you can stop lying to yourselves (and me...). All of you can stop just for a second, and think. All you can stop thinking so much. All of you can stop pretending that I don't love you, that I don't care... Don't say, "But I'm human." Guys, you're not. You’re... You. You make my world, and then spin it around... I know, I’m a selfish bitch... Alright... That’s no where near the half of it...


It’s not just that... Some make no sense at all... Any one, everyone, please tell me what you think “True Love” is... Just leave a comment, tell me when we see each other, whatever... I’m extremely idealistic, I know... I feel that if you truly love someone, even non-sexually/non-romantically, you only truly want that person to be happy, even if that happiness excludes you. What has made him/her happy, experiences that have made him/her happy, you, at least, try to empathize with, or at least accept. You accept that those experiences may have been largely responsible for creating that person. There’s no envy, no lies, no manipulation. Only trust. You love him/her, every facet, every flaw. All of that person. You may not (most likely will not) like everything about that person. You accept everything. You accept all. You accept his/her past, views, life, etc. You love unconditionally. You want for his/her happiness. You go out of your way to help the person achieve it at times. But you never regret who he/she was (It’s not your place to, first of all.), who he/she is, who they loved, who they love, etc, etc... Not well written, at all... Alright, of course it’s no where near that simple... But you get the gist... No lies. No or little jealousy. Consideration, or at least common courtesy. Acceptance of the past... No hate for ex’s, friends, etc... I cannot be mature about this (or anything at all for that matter) ... I am sorry... I still do not understand how some one can... Not understand... Anything... I won’t be polite about it... I will not... But I’ll leave it... What more is there to say?



I’m thinking I may erase this entry soon... After I get a good look at what I wrote, when I’m more... Coherent and reasonable...




sc2Mokodo: Because I hate everything that he took from me.
sc2Mokodo: And don't tell me he didn't.

That is so disgusting... How can you say that?... Why do you believe the things you do... How sociopathic do you really need to be.

Am I really this cruel? --Are you?

I was going to write consistently. Not conceal, and horde my emotions. Excuses excuses. But it’s not dire. If it’s ever that pivotal, you’ll hear all about. More than you care to...


So... There goes my mood again ::the clouds part as Mr. Happy Sunshine in his designer sunglasses grins down upon. Pastel birds chirp...:: Um... I have no idea, sorry.

There’s so much... I sadly believe that words and I will just never be the best of friends... That’s alright. So here we go:

We castrated Muley and Killian on Sunday. Yeah, I wasn't there for that... They had the most priceless expressions on their poor, sweet faces the next day. My poor babies... They’re fine now and back to being silly babies.
Wednesday: The award ceremony at the Atheneum. It was adorable. Tess won second place (should have been first). She’s a doll. I swear the girl is Rachael’s long lost twin. A very shy boy, Shea, won first... It was a comfortable ceremony. The families of the winners and their teachers were there. It was wonderful getting to chat with Mrs. Kinnas out of school. She’s so much fun. Right before the ceremony I ran into Kate (Love, love, lover her)! She gave me her contact, and said she had gone to something AGT-like and it was a wonderful experience. I plan on asking more about that, and hopefully spending time with her... I can’t seem to concentrate right now, I may even rewrite this later...

Oh here’s a good one. Thursday night. Benny comes up from the basement, “There’s a puddle of water in the middle of the floor in my room...”
Me: “Oh no, was it a puppy?”
Ben: “... No, not a puppy...”
We both go to investigate. I gawk as the puddle begins to very slowly expand. I call dad. As he sets foot on the floor board of basement floor, water gushes from the base of the walls. It was something out of a movie... Yesterday morning there a was a cold, stagnant inch of water covering the entirety of the basement... We still can’t stop laughing about it. It’ll be completely fine. Nothing major was ruined. ...Then Trav came over last night... He’s always fun. There’s always side-splitting laughter. My one issue with was this: Now, we all know that I’m a cuddle whore. I would wither to dust without being able to express my love for you all through touch (probably for lack of verbal ability). Trav is a great hugger. He’s doesn’t snuggle (didn’t used to snuggle). He’s terribly old fashioned. When he asked me on a date, he called my mother first to make sure it was alright with her. He courts. I was afraid to initiate most of the touching for fear that he might take it as something that’s it’s not... Right now, I only want a platonic, yet cuddly relationship with him (I am a hussy, Bianca, I know). My feelings will probably remain that way. Some how, last night, we were wrestling and cuddling and being stupidly silly... It was great... It felt... Um, mostly comfortable. It would be a tad narcissistic to read too much into it... He called me sassy... I really cannot stay focused... It’s probably the weather, and lack of sleep... We threw a party for Chiefy’s second Birthday. We made a hamburger and rice cake. He was beyond precious.

So, my Becca is off in N.Y. Probably picking up hot girls and then she’ll come back, and won’t love me anymore *grumble*... I miss Lain, and list of others... Matt R. Wants to visit... I have to run that by Becca, and I’m afraid that it might upset her because of the way she now views me... That’s funny... So much more... Oh, I had the best conservation with Carli on Thursday. As those in the musical were tapp dancing... Carli, you are Mercutio and Lysander. You always will be. And I’m sorry, but no matter what, regardless of your occasional “I don’t wanna hear it” mood, you’re an amazing person. You create from your soul, and you’re honest. I do very much regret telling her something that, unfortunately. I don’t regret telling her, I regret telling it all... It’ll be... Alright. My focus is completely lost. I’m sorry... Matt and Jeff’ll be here soon... I need to gather my poi materials... I love you.